Moving a parent, or parents, to assisted living.

I can tell you the following based on the fact that I have more years behind me then I do in front of me.

Dr. Spock was wrong, there is no formula or secret recipe for raising kids. When I learned that almost 70% of “How to raise kids” books were written by Child Psychologist with PhDs, but never had children, I knew knowledge had to be lived, not learned.

The same will hold true for taking care of parents in their later years. Mine lived on the adjacent property for 25 years, me and my sons took care of them and the land. When dad passed in 2017, my mom was spending her time trying to fill the void with causes and goals that meant little. She, like most elderly parents, is very independent and hates asking for help because they don’t want to be a burden. In a sense, they are existing, not living.

I had to put my mom in a extended care facility after a surgery. She was dreading it, she felt her independence was gone, and to her it was a strange place. It broke my heart, I would stop by every day on the way home.

After a week, I would stop by and she would parade me around bragging to the others that I was her son and she was proud.

After the third week she was about to be released to go home. The day before I went to bring her home she said “Can we talk to them to see if I can stay a little longer?”

That blew me away.

My advice is to give her time to get acclimated. I am not saying the results will be the same and we can only hope they are. But I did learn that the person who felt the worst about her being there was me, not her. She fell in love with the place.

Nine months later I stopped by and found her deceased in her bed, performed CPR for 30 minutes (With sons help), and she was gone.

I can’t help but wonder if I should have put her in a place where she could bloom like she did for four weeks. Maybe she would still be here, maybe not

Give it time…

Sorry so long, wanted to open your eyes. Only you know what's right.

Thanks you Getsum. 🤗 I think the same will happen once she’s used to her surroundings and new schedule. She does coffee with friends every morning, and once she makes friends and gets involved at this place, she’ll be much happier! She likes to chat with people most of the time. She’ll not be sitting in that big ol house all day anymore. She’ll have things to do. I think in time she’ll just quit driving because there are shuttles and trips and entertainment there. For now, she keeps going back to the house and brings stuff back. 🤦🏼‍♀️ You’ve eased my concerns some, though! I’m sorry about your Mom, friend. 😕(((Hugs)))

MY BROTHER RICHARD HAD TO PUT MOM IN THE NURSING HOME DO TO THE FACT HER DEMENTIA HAD ESCALATED INTO FAR BEYOND OURS AND HIS CAPABILITIES. THEY HAD BEDROOMS UPSTAIRS AND MOM DIDN'T WANT TO SLEEP UP THERE. RICHARD HAD TO CARRY HER UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS, BECAUSE SHE FOLDED HER LEGS UP UNDERNEATH HER AND WOULD NOT OR COULDN'T WALK. IT WASN'T EASY BUT WE UNFORTUNATELY HAD TO DO IT.

Wow… that’s so far gone. I’m sorry he had to do that! Thankfully, my Mom is still coherent enough to participate in decisions. We have power of attorney if needed, but not yet. All of us sibs are still working and can’t provide 24/7 care. I’m glad your brother could do what he could. Her Mom and Uncle both sold everything and moved into assisted living and loved it. I wish she’d remember that. It was long ago. I do think once she’s settled, gets a new routine, she’ll be fine. Never had to do this before, Mom cared for Dad at home until he was gone. He died in the house, in the bed she still slept in. Mom has been alone in the house he built for her for 20 years now. 20 years. Wow.